I was ushering at one of our weekly Saturday evening Masses. I greeted one of the widows attending the Mass. She told me that the one year anniversary of her husband’s death had just passed. It was difficult to deal with. Our opening hymn was Amazing Grace. One of the other ushers told me that it made him emotional because it reminded him of his father.
It is interesting that psychologists did not write about Anniversary Grief until 1972. They did a study that looked at bereaved widows. The women were asked to describe their level of distress as the anniversary of their spouse’s death neared.
It should not have been a big surprise that there was an increase in sadness or anxiety as the date drew near.
What we have found since that time is that there are other triggers. For survivors of school shootings, the first day of school each year can create a new round of suffering. As a nation we still all grieve the events of September 11th. It can be something like a hymn.
There is a predictable reaction to death and loss. The process of denial, anger, bargaining, mourning and acceptance is well known thanks to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
However, Anniversary Grief is much more varied. Part of that is that there is more than one loss. The date of the anniversary is an issue. However, so is the individual’s birthday. So is the couple’s anniversary. So are the holidays that year. It is almost like a roller coaster of ups and downs.
There are still individuals who suffer from forms of denial and anger at the situation. However, the mourning stage is more pronounced. Other individuals experience anxiety.
Individuals deal with their feelings in different ways. Some may want to visit the gravesite. Others may want to write a letter to the individual about things they want to say. Some may want to be with friends. Some may want to be alone. The reactions are very different.
Since the reactions are so different, there is no one particular way to support the individual. We need to recognize the fact that their feelings are different than ours. That means that listening is a key part of providing help. They do not need others interjecting thoughts that do not mesh with their own.
It is very much about being supportive. Understanding the fact that this is an expected occurrence is important. Understanding that there can be ups and downs related to it is important. We all know individuals having to deal with anniversary grief. We need to be supportive of their emotions.